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[15 Dec 2005|09:42am] |
so last night i was driving home from walmart where i purchased my 2 favorite magazines and this song came on and it totally says what im feeling, music makes it easier to express how i feel sooo here we go... btw i ended it... it was hard and finally i can breath again. i can't even imagine trying to date anyone now though... ever. i love being self sufficient
-single forever....
Driving away from the wreck of the day
And the light's always red in the rear view
Desperately close to a coffin of hope
I'd cheat destiny just to be near you
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up
Giving up on loveOn love
Driving away from the wreck of the day
And I'm thinking 'bout calling on Jesus
'Cause love doesn't hurt so I know I'm not falling in love
I'm just falling to pieces
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up
Giving up on love
On love
And maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love
When all my resistance will never be distance enough
Driving away from the wreck of the day
And it's finally quiet in my head
Driving alone, finally on my way home
To the comfort of my bed
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up
Giving up on love
On love
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| dirty little secret |
[09 Dec 2005|03:36pm] |
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mood |
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 cold |
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yes i have one and so do you....
my problem is i can only talk to 2 people about this, i really struggle when neither one of them is around to hear me. i know the two of you are prob really sick of hearing about it. i will also venture to say that i am sick of talking about it. the problem is, i went ahead and got stupid and let emotions and feelings get all wrapped up in what was supposed to be a little bit of fun. i got such a high from it and now it seems that is all i am living for. i can't find anyone/anything else who can penetrate my life like this. I need a new focus. I have tried though, i've been dating like crazy but no one has been worth my while or i haven't been able to let them in. bah! i am so sick of ups and downs, highs an lows. i thought i had myself all figured out. i'm paying things on time, rent, cell, insurance, school loans (all of them!!). i'm taking out the trash, emotionally and physically. i am working out every other night and joining a gym in january. theres just that one aspect of life i can't get straight.... i've dated all different kinds of guys.... to list a few shall we
Kyle- the major asshole in every way guy, but still kind of cute and fun to be around at times 3 years
Jason- the ultra christian youth pastor, who really just ended up to be a liar 8 months
Dan- the rich boy who had nothing to do but sit around, smoke weed, play nintendo and eat out at real fancy restaurants 7 months
Doug- the i'll treat you good to your face but talk shit behind your back guy, who was a great boyfriend for 2 months then out of the blue broke up with me... then started calling, texting and iming me like crazy until i gave him another chance and when i did just screwed me over yet again
Nick- the white boy thug, who had lines like, "baby i'm on point" or "Im a brotha on the inside" blah, he was nice but tooo ghetto for my taste
Ben- the nice guy, ultimately hes the sweetest guy ever and real close to perfect, but i read somewhere theres a difference between perfect and perfect for you.
and they all looked very different too... i just wanna scream sometimes WHATS WRONG WITH ME!! i know nothing i just haven't found the "right person" blah i've just decided to wait until i am swept off my feet... until then i have this other "thing" going on and its all i have to focus on... it decides whether i have a good or bad day. so i need a new focus, anyone wanna help with that or what? haha
other sad story my paul is leaving me for the airforce on tuesday, man i am gonna miss him, its always a good time when paul is around, and the more i think about the more i realize how much he means to me. paul im gonna miss ya hon and its too bad i can't be your "carrie" on... :(
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[23 Nov 2005|05:04pm] |
it is amazing what a real job and the purging of all bad things in your life can do to a person.
the past couple of weeks i have done nothing but work and sleep really. last thursday i was going the boxes and boxes of pictures and memoribilia i had stashed under my bed, organizing, and reminiscing and i was thinking about life now and how it was 3 years ago way back before my first "auryn" concert, its crazy how much i have evolved and grown as a person through it all. a little info into my past 3 years ago i was 19 years old, working at click camera, and going to school also spending 3 to 4 nights a week at church. I would go to church twice on sundays, the morning service then the college service, then there was prayer group, small group and discipleship. when i first started seeing "auryn" i was also strongly considering applying to go to DTS, discipleship training school. I had been 2 nearly life changing mission trips and had been dating a pastor. when i had a problem the first thing i did was got on my knees and prayed. I was one of those people who would ask you if you had accepted jesus christ into your heart, and if you said no, i'd ask why and try to get you to. now when i think about asking that question i cringe. im not that girl anymore and no way am saying this is the band's fault because its not and i wouldn't change what happened in these past few years for anything. but the other night when i was looking through all that stuff i found a card from my grams that said, "you mean the world to me, never change who you are" wow she always knew what to say. at that moment i wanted curse god for taking her, i wanted to call her and say thank you, instead i got on my knees and i prayed. i prayed for everything in my life and my friends lives. i can't remember the last time i had done that. the next morning after being at work for oh about 2 hours, ta juan, a guy i work with asked what was wrong with me and that he could tell i was upset, he asked if i needed a hug and before i could say anything he hugged me as big as he could, and i lost it. i started sobbing and there was no stopping it. i'd like to say it was because i miss my grams and this is the first year we have to spend the holidays without here, though that may have been part of it, i think it was just to let it all out, everything i have been holding in and its been building from all the shit i have gone through in the past 12 months. crying has never felt so good.
todd sent me home from work and i got to spend the entire evening with my emily. again the first time her and i have hungout with absolutely nothing to do for hours on end and just spent time together. laughing and shopping, its what we do haha. then i realized why i spent years at auryn shows. it was for the people and the friendships i have come out of it with. though many have come and gone, those that have remained true with always be close to my heart. so with that i probably will be distancing myself from northmont concerts, mostly because i have no idea who northmont is. i will never ever forget auryn though and some of the best memories i have from my 22 years of living are at those shows. so i am yes, thankful for you, ward, justin, carlos and mikey. i will miss you four greatly but i know you understand.
another sad story, ben and i brokeup. i know hes perfect. really hes one of the most amazing people i have ever met. if i started the sentence, man i could really use some water, hed be at the faucet before i even finished it. he called every single time he said he would, he spoiled me (to an extent, but an understandable extent) and he loved me, he really did. yeah now ask me why we broke up, i can't give an answer, but i did read somewhere there is a difference between "perfect" and "perfect for you" i feel that. i am also reeaaaallly focusing on work especially if i want to get promoted so i just don't have time. he is still a good friend of mine and will be probably until i die. i am thankful for the 2 months we spent together.
i saw RENT today. i have been waiting for that movie to come out ever since i heard they were making it a year ago. it was amazing. to say the least. my heart literally jumped when it started with, 525,600 minutes.... oooh i am still smiling. i laughed a lot and i even cried, if anyone else wants to see it, just call me, ill be there with bells on.
"Forget regret, or life is yours to miss. no day but today."
RENT
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| Welcome Z-pak |
[12 Oct 2005|11:42am] |
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so the past couple of weeks my allergies have been horrendous like to the point where i am waking up in the middle of the night gasping for air. i keep a roll of TP next to my bed so i can constantly blow my nose. my poor boyfriend has been worried sick. i feel so bad because he comes over just to hold me while i snot and fall asleep in his arms. he knows i like it when hes there so he makes it a point to study when he gets done with class, come here and take care of his lame-o girlfriend, then go back to school for another 3 hours and do more homework. have i mentioned he's amazing? haha mm so lucky. so last night i decided i was fed up with these f'n allergies and this mornin i headed to the urgent care and got so some clari-NEX D, she told me to buy robitussin DM and i also got the infamous Z pak, which i have never partaken in. i hope it takes away this hell that i have in my chest and my head and i dont wanna itch anymore either blah, alright back to ANTM, i am addicted hehe
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[10 Oct 2005|06:06pm] |
this last month has been pretty amazing, sometimes i look at ben and find it hard to believe that once i let him go, thank god he let me back into his life. its been a month now and we are still going strong. early i know but he could easily be the one i spend forever with... i get chills thinking about him and his smile aahh anyway... along with that Kari is getting married in 5 days!! its going to be such beautiful wedding, i just know im gonna cry the whole time, i am so happy for her. shes really made their new apartment a home. its so cute with the fall decorations up and what not. shes too cute.
i really love fall and hoodie weather. crazy how this gray can be so beautiful. mom turns 42 on thursday, i still need to get a gift... wow random entry... i got a nice raise at work this week, im anxious to see my next check yay :) though i really am in no hurry to get out of moms house just yet. ive already got some money saved up the first time in my entire live i have a "savings" hmm... thats all i got for today, tata
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| THE luckiest girl alive |
[01 Oct 2005|02:58am] |
i'll do my best not to be too mushy. but i am in fact the luckiest girl alive. i have met the most amazing man, and in just a little over 2 weeks have fallen head over heels. its like it was instantly perfect. his name is ben, he pretty much worships me and i do the same for him. hes great. ah ive never felt so right in a relationship ever ever ever before, and if you've seen me lately you'd understand :) ok moving on hehe
im loving being home. the homemade food is great, and its really good being able to be here for my family, theres been a lot of drama with my brother and we are all just trying to stick together and take care of him. its really frightening because hes so young, and its a very hard situation to approach. but the thought of losing him is just horrible. i love him with all my heart but i am just trying to figure out how to tell him that without sounding cliche you know?
kari's wedding is 2 weeks away and i couldn't be happier for her. aaaand its a reason for me to get all dressed up in a nice formal gown with new shoes to boot hehe, 2 weeks from today she'll be a loeffler. mrs. loeffler, its crazy. her bachelorette party was def. a good time, though i dont think ill make it a point to ever visit a strip club, ever again. so yes life is going pretty damn well :)
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| breaking the silence |
[15 Sep 2005|05:47am] |
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Yes i have kept my mouth shut for the most part, except for a myspace bulletin that i thought was fairly harmless.... i guess it wasn't but oh well thats how i got the word out to numerous amounts of friends at one time, i thought thats what myspace bulletins were for and will not apologize. As far as steph and brian go, well and merinda for that matter, they do not exist in my life. they have been deleted in every way possible and i want nothing to do with them, i dont want to hear their names, see their faces or even read what they have to say. immature or not, thats how i am going to deal with it. if this puts a rift in friendships that id like to keep then that i am sorry for. this is the last i will say about them, or the situation. josh im sorry that you are/were sick of hearing about, i really had no idea and wouldn't have come to you if i thought you didn't wanna hear it. i guess through this i will find out who are my real friends, those that are true through and through. abbey told me a while back that i needed to reevaluate my friendships and didn't want to, i was afraid to own up to all the fakeness that surrounded my group of friends. it had me poisoned while i was at brians, i was the most unhappy i have been in a loooong time. im glad its over, and yeah i learned a lot. this is it, brian and steph you no longer exist to me. goodbye
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| Sugar, we're goin down |
[01 Sep 2005|11:08am] |
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mood |
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 complacent |
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stupid song has been in my head for like 12 hours now...
anywho- there really isn't much to update but im bored on my day off soo ill try write something witty/clever to entertain my fellow myspace/livejournal addicts...
hmm...this is totally random so prepare yourselves. Yesterday at work i was doing the candy aisle reset (reset is putting candy in the place that corporate says it should go, where it will sell better and also organizing it, cause our fn customers like to fuck shit up) and i was putting up the skittles now there are about 5 different kinds of skittles and as i was arranging the colorful bags into their place i was thinking wow that word "skittle" is really starting to look funny, where in THE hell did they come up with that word i mean seriously it means nothing. then while i was putting up the snickers i thought, now why is snicker plural? its only one candy bar per bag, where do these candy places get their employees? also kit kat, what in the fuck is a kit kat? now i know what a kit is and i know what a kat is, but why would you put those two together? see i work hard at walgreens lol
i did have somewhat of a disappointment yesterday but its not so bad. as you all know my big day is tomorrow and em and i were going to make the trek to pieres to see northmont, well with gas 3.09 a gallon, even at the bargain price of 2.99 a gallon as it is here in huber, em nor i can afford that trip. so we must plan something else for the day of my birth. buuuut good new is, we will take out a loan in order to get our asses up to cleveland, as i said yesterday, if i have to stand on the highway with my thumb in the air, we're f'n goin to cleveland! its one party i DO NOT want to miss. and with the reuniting of that really awesome band gatlin, we have to go, we dont get to see that too often! also seeing APG is always a fun time, and seeing jon drake drunk, holy hell! so should turn out to be one kick ass of a time! ill update im sure on sunday :)
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[28 Aug 2005|11:57pm] |
Thank God the drama is over. It's nice to actually sit down alone and think things through clearly, its then that you realize what is really important. I dont even know why there was drama to begin with, ended up being all petty bullshit... i dont need that in my life, i really dont need people to bring me down and this past week has been one of the best ive had recently... sin drama.
I had a good week at work, put in some over time, turns out 6 days in the ghetto really WON'T kill you, or at least not me. haha... have i mentioned i heart my managers, both of the ones i like at least...
friday i went over to ems in kettering to help her move to fairborn, we carried out boxes and waited on the huge ass penske truck to show up. i had no idea that penske trucks were that fn huge! now let me tell you, that girl has way to much stuff for one little person. i even carried the boxes that said "heavy" on them, yeah ive got guns what? lol we got to her new place and damn those stairs! i must admit though the place is coming together nicely. i did have to cut out early around 10 or so in order to work at 7am saturday mornin.
saturday work was kinda sucky, i had to work 7-4, it really was no fun esp since he left me at like 8... but eh it happens... so yes long day at work, but i had penn station for lunch, i went to the pharmacy to ask what we were having and they had already ordered me what i like, yeah they kick ass. truck went smooth i got all my totes put away and then some, cause im awesome like that, and i was working with Gard which helps though im not supposed to, damn work drama.
then after work i got home, watched some sex and the city, fell asleep for a while actually longer than i wanted to. Then i got up and showered and headed over to em's with my bag full of goodies, including cups, straws and alcohol good times. we then headed out to cassie's, good time minus em's sickness poor thing drank a wee bit too much. if she feels the need to elaborate on that she can.
sunday we spent the day sleeping and laying around em's new apt, we watched the laramie project, great movie, if you haven't seen it you should. then we watched top gun, oooo such an amazing movie, of course! my man was lookin good, like he always does :) "take my breath away" mmm
pretty much my weekend, nothing too exciting but still a lot of fun. Im really looking forward to this weekend though, my moms thurs for a salon treatment, getting more red in my hair and my nails filled in, then pieres friday night for my birthday!!! the off to ctown saturday for the APG/Gatlin fan party which will KICK ASS and with all my fave. people, then sunday a cookout at moms, and my family birthday party monday yayayaya i love my best friend, of course i do, no one else can get that much physical labor out of me... haha peace out
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[19 Aug 2005|11:44am] |
before i get too down i think ill make a list of things ive been grateful for this year... in no particular order...
In the year 2005 i am grateful for-
-how beautiful she looked in her casket (i know morbid but true)
-her diamond rings, they keep her with me every day
-friends that let me cry on their shoulder, kari, kyle, mindy, emily, josh and everyone else who was there sorry if i missed your name, those 2 weeks are still pretty blurry
-live music, good friends
-emily sue putnam, without you, i dont just dont know
-bonnie mckee
-germaine, what an amazing character
-my whole picasso cast, by far some of the coolest people i have ever met.
-Piere's
-kohl's and all the people i met there
-that night after pieres, em, steph and i, spent the day stephs apartment, wrapped up in blankets, eating and watching sex and the city
-every friday spent at my moms salon, then the good ol springfield mall with emily
-andy byers, though hes an ass sometimes, he can always make me laugh
-doug, we had fun for those 2 months, and even the month after, too bad it had to end the way it did.
-the awesome weekend in c-town with just emily :D, white noise, fn scary, team america, hilarious, though i was the only one left awake when it was over.
-kari's graduation
-my managers at walgreens
-my job at walgreens
-a really hot photographer
-better hair, better clothes, better body
-the color yellow
-the spray tan
-moving out
-myspace.com
-getting flowers
-jessica's wedding weekend
-wertzstock with jamie, what a fun night with you my dear
-amazing conversations with jon drake
-the night in columbus with abbey, emily, jamie, merinda, dee and brian
-making up with lauren, god i missed her
-palm trees
-ranch dressing
-2 for 5 old navy flip flops
- Her World-Auryn
-Ben he was such a nice guy.... i wanted to like him as more than a friend, i just couldnt
-the last northmont show, so awesome.
-candace and of course ganger, i miss you guys
-newcoms... nuff said
-all the tears ive cried, they remind me that i do still have emotion
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| all fun and games until someone loses a finger |
[05 Aug 2005|09:24am] |
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mood |
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so yesterday morning i just happened to call my dad's house, i was thinking i wanted to play tennis and my little sister has my rackets. well she answers the phone hysterical,
"SISSY!!!! DAD.. DAD..."
ok shes bawling, but shes also 12, maybe dad forget to make her a pb and j
"whats going on brittany?!?!"
jeremy, my 15 yr old brother grabs the phone
"sissy, dad cut off his finger, and into is thumb, it was just hanging on. they made ME pick up the finger!!"
"oh my god, do you need to me leave work??"
brittany yanks the phone back
"SISSY, I WANT YOU HERE NOW!! TINA IS COMING BUT I WANT YOU!! PLEEEEAAASE"
now how can you tell that child no, and i wanted to be there. so i paged mr. hinders. once i finally found him.
"alright so, my dad cut off his finger."
"do you need to leave??"
"yeah i've gotta go."
"ok hon, see you later"
well that was my morning.... so i hopped in my car sped home, found my cell phone, and drove into springfield. i stopped at moms salon first to tell her the news and then headed over to my dad's. of course i had missed him by then. turns out he was crying harder than he did at my mamaws funeral. rightfully so, he was missin a finger. so they tell me hes getting careflighted to columbus, why the hell he needed to go to columbus i dont know, im assuming the finger specialist is out there, and they wanted every chance to get his finger reattached. well he ended up being driven in ambulance all the way there. so his accident happened at around 11am, he was probably in columbus by 1 at the latest. so when did he go in for surgery??? umm around 8 or 815pm. yeah soo obvsiously they couldn't save the finger, considering he laid in the ER for 7 fucking hours!!!! i guess thats our medical system for you...i am so pissed off... i havent heard anything else i am about to call into town and see when i can see him, if the surgery went ok and what not. keep him in your prayers, hes going to be in a lot of a pain for awhile, thank you everyone for your kind thoughts.
so on a happier note, happy birthday to em, i hope you enjoyed your party, i know it wasn't much but at least the cake was yellow and it said donka! scene it is a very fun game, esp when it tells you ther answers and doesn't leave with a.... cliff hanger hahahhaha.... alright anyway... i am off to see if i should drive my ass to columbus! call my cell or something, im booored today.
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| who needs a therapist when you have livejournal? |
[01 Aug 2005|09:52pm] |
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I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
-Kelly Clarkson, Because of You
i swear kelly (or whoever) wrote this song about my mom and i. my mom has been havingm major issues lately, i am assuming its from the fact that she stopped taking her meds this january. she told me that shes cried every night since i've left. i know she didn't say that on purpose to upset me but... well she did. i hate when she hurts, but really it isn't fair that she leans on me. bipolar depression runs in my family, it goes as far back as my grams could remember. i've really denied any signs of my having it. lately i've been wondering if i do, or if i'm still just hurting from my grams dying. regardless, i feel like i've totally changed, at least emotionally, since her death. It's like i don't care what people think of me, and sometimes i dont even care to get out of my bed. if i didn't like the people i work with i probably wouldn't wake up ever. i feel like i have so much on my plate these days and to all of those who have heard my anger i'm sorry. i've just been extra angry since that nasty nasty day in december. i really dont have any religious faith anymore either. seriously He knew more than anyone how much she meant to me and shes still gone. mom leaned on me, but i leaned on grams. i just feel like i've lost the one stable thing in my life. i dont even remember what stability is cause god knows my family isnt. my health insurance kicks in on sept 1, then i'll probably look for a therapist, as much as i've tried to deny that my mom and i are two totally different people, i think we're more alike than i'd like to admit. happy birthday to you carrie, heres some prozac. i've just always believed that that kind of stuff you and only you can change. like if i keep working through it all in my own head maybe i'll be ok. sometimes i wonder if i will esp when i can sleep for 15 hours and still want to sleep longer. i only have a really bad day like this once a month or so. no wonder i latch onto boyfriends so quickly, esp if i feel like he can offer me some stability. the whole guy situation is another story.
i know what i want out of a man and yet i continue to settle. I want him to put up sweet away messages like "spending time with my baby", i want flowers delivered to my work, i want cute surprises from time to time, i want to be held with nothing else in mind, just cuddling. i want forehead kisses, and for my face to be caressed. i want him to hold my hand, and know what i am thinking without me even talking, i want butterflies that never end. i want tingles down my spine every time we kiss. i want him to tell me i'm beautiful and not "wow you're hot and your boobs are huge!" i want him to call every time he says he will and be on time, i want him to call just to say hi or invite me out to my favorite restaurant, even if he hates it, and a movie just cause he knows i wanna go. i want to be supported in all my decisions, i dont need another dad to tell me how to spend MY money. i want to be loved unconditionally, not until something else better comes along, like soccer, or a girl named megan, sarah, mindy whatever. i want him to love coming to the theatre see me and bring flowers, or at least a palm tree picture holder and pink sparkly flip flops. i want non shady answers, not "dont worry about it, or why does it matter?" i want honesty, brutal or not, i want honesty. Maybe he could like a northmont song or two, or at least understand why i wanna go be with my girls without him. i dont want get invested just to hear lets take a step back. i want chivalry. i want to be courted. i want passion. i want our love to be inconvenient, and consuming. i want to feel again. i dont want to feel icky when a guy touches me, cause recently thats all i've felt. when i think of the few nights ive been really close to a guy, i just wanna throw up. no more casual sex, i want it to mean something and be special or sacred if you will. am i asking for too much? really?
well if you made it to the end of this thank you for reading, i just needed to vent, who needs a therapist when you have livejournal?
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| a little band called northmont. |
[29 Jul 2005|09:04am] |
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so here i am listening to their two new songs on repeat, back and forth, and all these wonderful memories come flooding back. the first night i saw them nearly 3 years ago, when i really did NOT want to go, niki had to drag me there kicking and screaming. Now i think of all they, auryn aka northmont, have brought me and i will never ever be able to thank them enough. Yes there has been drama but it was all worth it. I have met the most amazing people through them, emily, jamie, dee, april, lauren, josh, steph, brian, jon drake and the ctown crew, steph t, sarah, aubrey, merinda, new mike, candace, ganger, ericka, britt and amber. (if i left out your name, i'm sorry its early). You people are my life now, and i can't even imagine what my life would be had i not met those 4 guys. Four guys who traveled to springfield to see little ol me in a community play, and one of those 4 tried about 4 times to come see me this past april, never made it but eh it was a valiant attempt. I have gone through my oh my god, i am love with ward, to oh my god i am in love with justin, to mikey, to carlos, now i just see them as 4 big brothers. yeah they can be mean and pick on me at times, but i'll never stop loving them, no matter how much i want to. There was a point when i would have taken off work, just to see them play, now that i've grown i can go weeks without seeing them and that makes nights like tonight special. I have these butterflies in my stomach like i used to get, i forgot what these felt like. When i close my eyes while im listening to this i get the most beautiful image, i close my eyes and i can see them performing this new song, ward with his eyes closed and the mic up real close to his lips, carlos doing his little bounce, mikey holding his lip in as he drums, and justin bobbing his head. wow amazing. i know i may sound like a groupie, but really im just a friend that supports four other friends. so check them out on myspace www.myspace.com/northmont and if you like what you see, come out to WO Wright's tonight in beavercreek and see an amazing show and fall in love, or if you have before, fall in love all over again, cause i did just by hearing the new songs.
to those of you i named, i can't wait to see you guys, and i hope i do see all of you tonight, i've missed you. i miss the old times, and i look forward to new memories with all of you, cause the past 3 years worth have been pretty, at the risk of sounding like jon drake, kick ass!
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[28 Jul 2005|10:50pm] |
| How You Life Your Life | 
You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside.
You tend to avoid confrontation and stay away from sticky situations.
You tend to have one best friend you hang with, as opposed to many aquaintences.
You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable. |
funny how true this is. I am quite straight forward, or at least i try to be, but true to this, i do keep plenty inside, kind of what i am dealing with right now.
Avoiding confrontation, yeah i definetely do that. Just go on about my business and try to forget that someone has upset me, ie. keeping things inside
um one best friend i hang with... umm i think we all know how true that is, esp, you em!
i've been told that acting isn't something i'll be able to do for the rest of my life. do i believe its attainable? well... im just not sure that i'm good enough soo.... i guess not.
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| blech |
[20 Jul 2005|05:24pm] |
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its raining... another beautiful day
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| Just drive |
[19 Jul 2005|10:41pm] |
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mood |
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 nostalgic |
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Let's not discuss all these things we can't undo
Let rain fall from concrete-colored skies
No boy, don't speak now
You just drive
I was listening to my jamie sing this tonight and i was eerily haunted by 2 of the worst days of my life, and i then remembered, why i hate "concrete-colored skies". The first horrific day being the one when dan really broke up with me, for good. I still remember it like it was yesterday and it doesn't hurt any less. I still miss him, every time someone says his name or i see a silver altima on the street. The day it happened he picked me up and it was starting to rain. I can still remember begging and pleading for one more chance, "i promise i can change". We drove for hours, and he kept asking if i wanted him to take me home and all i wanted was to not talk and just drive. By the time he finally dropped me off, it was pouring, we held each other in the driveway for what seemed like forever. I never wanted to let go. I heard his voice the other day, and i literally felt pain in my heart. His laugh still sounded the same. It seemed he hadn't changed. Then i realized that i have. With every failed relationship, i've become a little tougher, a little more numb, and i invest a hell of a lot less. I've learned how to make love without emotion. I've learned how to let things roll off my back and keep a man leaps and bounds away from my heart. I've learned how to ignore guys' phone calls and not care if they ever call back. If i keep failing at relationships, will i eventually have no feeling left? My heart barely jumps anymore at compliments or sweet nothings whispered in my ear, because they are obviously just trying to get up my shirt right? Yes josh i know their are men out there that dont want that... but maybe im just not ready for any of that serious closeness... maybe i never will be.
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| blech |
[13 Jul 2005|07:35am] |
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mood |
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 sick |
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so i went to bed last night at around 1130. at midnight brian texted me telling me he wasn't coming home, so i spent my first night alone here in the heights. it wasn't so bad. i am now, at 7:41 AM, happy brian didnt make it home, i may have kept him up with all the puking i did/am still doing. At 1 am, i woke to my stomach feeling like it was eating me from the inside, thats when it all started, i would get about an hour to 2 hours of sleep then get up and get sick again. i woke up at 7:30 to go to work and the moment i stood up i was afraid i wouldn't make it to my bathroom, i did, but it was close. i called hinders and told him id come in but i feel like ass, and he said, well lay around, and call me later. which means i guess you can stay there, but im really disappointed. lets back track and see what i ate yesterday, maybe we can figure out where i went wrong....
chocolate milk
- i had a craving
a couple of dill pickle chips, and couple of salt and cracked pepper chips
-trial items from our mike sells guy
monster energy drink
-i was tired!
crab rangoons and a crab egg roll
-i was warned about the chinese place on ghettysburg....
cheetos
- i didnt really feel like cooking
meatloaf
-thanks to momma i had a homemade meal, but my stomach already felt sour when i started eating it.
well i think i am going to go enjoy my dark bedroom, and my comfortable bed. hopefully i am done getting sick. anyone wanna chime in as to how i got so sickly, you go right ahead.
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[10 Jul 2005|04:51pm] |
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i am all kinds of fucked up
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[09 Jul 2005|12:56pm] |
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mood |
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bouncy |
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its official i am all moved out. and no i didnt have anything ready for brian when he got there, but i think we still made good time getting things here. i love it though its amazing the sense of confidence you get just by living on your own. brian is a great guy i think we will have a lot of fun living here together. i have my bedroom and bathroom done in palm trees, since brian vetoed anything pink. my favorite purchase was my dangly palm tree shower curtain hooks.
though this whole moving out situation has put a damper on whatever nick and i have/had. i dont see him nearly as much, and his moods are not exactly cheery. oh well we will see what happens i think he and i are hanging out tomorrow.
tonight is going to be awesome, a huge concert with apg, northmont and JFK in cbus with all my favorite people!! minus gay kyle campbell but well pretend he isnt there. well i am off to nap, i didnt get much sleep last night.
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clynne9283's journal
